that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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