well I can't set my house on fire every night
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
