Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
