i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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