Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
