May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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