Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
