It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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