Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
