Pants 0. Shit 1.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
