Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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