I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
