Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
