You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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