My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
