i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
