My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
