I think I died a long time ago.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
