Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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