omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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