Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I think I have vodka in my lungs
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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