Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
