his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
