i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
