about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
