good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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