Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
