That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
