my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
