so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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