Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
