Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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