I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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