I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
