apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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