Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
