It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
