dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
