I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
