Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
