I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
