Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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