I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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