my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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