i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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