Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
