I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Randomize
