I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
