2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
