yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
