does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
