I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
